girls in school today were freaking out in bio bc apparently they didnt know that the pictures we got today go in the yearbook..
&all the girls in cosmo were freaking out bc they wanted camo hoodies (which they get every year) and a few people like me refused to the idea..
(Taken with GifBoom)
i already wrote this, and my ipod died while i was finishing up with it. but i cant sleep so im going to write it again. idgaf if theres any spelling errors. im not doing much punctuation since it takes forever and im pissed off about writing this for the second time.
in sixth grade i had the little “i wanna be a scene queen” phase. i started listening to black veil brides and bring me the horizon bc i thought i was a badass. but i stopped listening to them because the next year i would be in highschool.
my whole life my dad had been kicking us out of his house. i think i might of been like 9 when it first started, give or take a few. he kicked us out when i was in sixth grade, but this time it was bad. we moved in with my granma. i was really happy there without him. everything was good. until my mom made the great decision to going back with him.
going up to highschool was exciting. i was a dipko, so i was kinda like automatically known. dipko’s are gods in this town. everyone loves them. i had a buncha friends, i always hung out with different people. even the older kids liked me. in the middleish of seventh grade was when we moved back in with johnny (my dad). i got into a huge fight with all my friends, a full on war broke out. i forget what it was about, but we all had sides and such. then somehow everyone ended up hating me (then that drug onto eigth grade)
johnny is a very abusive person. mostly mental abuse though. he’s cheated on my mom since theyve been together (15 years). but for some reason my idiot mother had stayed with him the whole time. he is a physco, stalker, druggie, asshole,& every other name in the book. at the end of seventh grade we got an eviction notice from him. we had a couple months to pack up & leave. he didnt help us pack, find a place to go, help us financially, or anything.
we moved back in with my granma. my dad couldn’t stand the fact that my mom could be with someone else. since it was the summer and my mom worked, my younger siblings would spend most of the summer at johns house. he would take them and sit in the parking lot of my mom’s work for hours upon hours just making sure she didnt go anywhere she wasnt supposed to go. my dad always thought my mom had hundreds of boyfriends. im pretty sure my mom cheated on him too when they were together..i wouldnt doubt it. but my mom went out on a date one time and i guess it was just to watch movies at this guys house. and of course johnny couldnt let that happen. he took my siblings over to the guys house while my mom& him were watching a movie and burst in the guys house and started screaming “your kids want you, your kids want you!” he spread nasty rumors abouty mom and had the whole town hate her. she had to get a pfa on him.
tbh my dad makes a shit ton of money. but refuses to pay his full child support bc he could care less about us. at court he would bring in reciepts and paperwork that wasnt even his to show he had no money (when he did). he had his boss lie to the court about his income so he wouldnt have to pay child support. of course he only has to pay about $400 a month for three kids. before my der brother turned 18, his dad would pay $600 a month of child support just for him. one time my dad bought us like five boxes of cereal and some toaster strudel and took the reciept to court to have them take that off his child support. every year he claims all of us kids so that he can get even more income tax money. to this day he wont pay child support and still tries to claim us.
my aunt on my moms side was renting a house from jerry, johns asshole father (like father like son), and something happened with that idr but she had to move out. so she and her two kids moved in to my granmas with us. thats nine people in a three bedroom house. my mom and aunt would always get in fights about it and my granma kisses my aunts ass so we were outta there in no time. we ended up staying with my cousin and her now husband…in their attic. it was really big though. plus i would always be at my friends house and my younger siblings stayed at my dads all summer since theyre in love with him.
not too much happened there. we finally got a house! its not perfect, but its fine for us. when we got it johnny would always drive by and see if my mom was here. he would steal stuff from our basement and porch closet. sometimes he would just walk in like he owned the place. he did once and my older brother was home and started screaming and fighting so johnny got frustrated and slammed the door as hard as he could and broke all the glass on it the left. of course he didnt pay for it.
i started my eighth grade year. it sucked. i started listening to the music i do now, and had a strong connection with it. & i didnt care what anyone thought of it because it was like the only thing i had. the first day of school i wore a band tshirt and osiris’. the first thing my dipko cousin said to me was “wow, emo much?” i wasnt considered a dipko anymore. my older dipko cousin would spread rumors about my mom in school, it was so embarrasing. everyone called me an emo devil worshippor. i got asked constantly if i cut myself. i would sit in class just staring at the board while everyone else talked to each other. i used to fake sick so i didnt have to go. i sat in the front of the bus by myself. everyone ignored me. even my old friends. id get made fun of for everything i did, the music i listened to, and even dying my hair.
the only friend i had was my shitty friend. she is a total bitch. i hate her. she has put me down and made fun of my countless times. she would make fun of me for anything she could think of. she would make fun of me because i got my period in seventh grade, when she got hers in fifth. like she was a better person because of it. most of the girls in my grade got theirs in seventh…but she never said anything to them about it. noone likes her, even now noone does. shes the biggest bitch. shes mean to everyone. she thinks noone likes her because she got called emo for a while too. people would tell me they would talk to me more but shes up my ass 24/7. i quit basketball in 7th grade bc i hated it, so she quit too and my mom says it was the other way around. she didnt make the cheer squad going into eigth grade, but i did. i ended up quitting because practices wouldve taken up my whole summer and i didnt wanna be a prep. but apparently i quit bc she didnt make it. (my siblings recently went to florida and my mom had my little brother ask me if i wasnt going bc my friend wasnt) . my whole family would tell me to get my head out of her ass. honestly i dont wanna be friends with her. i couldnt hang out with old friends because they thought i was a bad influence bc of her. everyone thought i was obsessed with her bc i would only hang out with her, but it was bc noone else liked me. id tell my mom that and shed say im pathetic and im the only reason why i dont have friends. recently my cousin asked where she was at because i wasnt hanging around her bc i dont like her, and i said i dunno. she replied with this is why you need more than one friend. when she has plans you have nobody…
i started getting panic attacks, and i developed very bad anxiety and a little depression. i always had self harm&suicidal thoughts but pushed them aside. id tell my mom my feelings and shed call me pathetic and an attention seeker, so i stopped telling everyone my feelings. summer going into ninth grade sucked. i stayed home the whole summer..noone wanted to hang out with me, like usual. people started to kinda talk to me..just small talk. i sat in the same front seat of the bus i always sat in. i chose not to talk to anyone. i sat in homeroom alone staring at the board waiting for it to be over. sometimes the cool kids would flick stuff at me and i just sat there. my one friend started talking to me again, and shes still a good friend now. shes the only one besides my shitty friend who likes hanging out with me. noone would partner with me for group projects, id either be with myself or the kid who didnt have one either. theres this one girl who everyone thinks is a dirty, but we started talking and she would partner with me sometimes an she was nice to me the whole year.
by the end of the year people talked to me normally again. i just had noone who wanted to see me outside of school. of course my shitty friend still had no friends besides me. i just dont want to ditch her bc i dont think she realizes she has noone besides me. ive had a lot of people tell me how much they hate her and what a bitch she is. when we went to hershey park for our freshman trip, of course i had to ride the bus with her and hang with her, she went to the bathroom and two girls said they really really wanted to hang out with me and ride rollercoasters with me but they werent going to because she was going to be with me. shitty friend of course wasnt the fun person, so i ended up dropping her off somewhere and went with a big group of people. i ended up sitting with my one friend (hes a boy) everytime because noone wanted to sit with me and noone wanted to sit with him. pretty awkward but he was a good friend. the girls who wanted to hang out with me didnt sit by me or talk to me much. which made me feel bad the whole trip.
i actually became friends with a lot of seventh graders. they were all my sisters friends though, but they liked me too. but im just scared that its just because they wanna be cool and have older kid friends and that theyll ditch me one day. the only class i liked was art bc its the only thing im good at. but it was the worst for me. i had one girl in my grade in my art class so we sat together. the table across from us was the popular and cool 10th-11th grade girls. my anxiety was so bad with them. one of them would always stare at me, id look up and shed just be looking at me. id get so panic-y id want to throw up. what made it worse was the girl who sat by me always missed school. 3/4 of the year id sit by myself and id want to cry because of my anxiety and the girls across from me. i couldnt even get up to get markers, scissors, glue, etc because they sat by the cabinets where they were at. id sit and play on my phone, or pretend to. since i dont kiss my dads ass i dont have a phone. my mom bought me one for my 14th birthday but its 45$ a month and i have to pay for it since she cant afford it and i cant get a job bc i live in timbukto and cant drive an she wont take me anywhere. but i havent used it since january because i had one person whod text me who i can just tweet or kik. and i didnt care about the internet on the phone bc i have wifi at home and a desktop computer and an ipod.
well that leads to this summer. so far i went to warped tour, like evey other year. i went to the town carnival..noone from school waved or said hi to me. just kinda looked and kept walking. i was with shitty friend the whole time and all she did was complain and whine so i just ignored her. i won some fish and we were walking back to my grams to put them in her pond and i was shaking the bag bc i dont care about stupid goldfish, theyre gonna die in a week anyway. well i was shaking the bag and shitty friend started screaming, cussing, and hitting me for hurting the fish. she hit me hard too, like it’s a fucking goldfish that isnt even hers. i was pissed off for the rest of the week because of it. she is one of the main negativity centers of my life and i need to get her out of it. its hard to, ive been trying. i could write a whole book on her but i wont.
im absolutely terrified for next school year. i got accepted into cosmetology, im extatic that i only have to be in school for four periods and lunch and ill be doing something i absolutely love to do, but im scared of having to meet all the girls at votech. im obviously not good with people. i dont even known if im going to be in cosmo, i failed math. i needed to order the course packet and do it over the summer. i told my mom to order it early bc i cant do math so itll take me like a month or so to finish it, and of course she waited until theast minute to order it. i still dont have it. im supposed to get it tomorrow or the next day, and it takes a week to ship back and days to grade it. so i have barely a week to finish it now or it wont be done in time before school. im just a mess right now lol.
well if you actually read this i appreciate it a lot. it took me two hours to write it the first time, & two hours to write it this time..&its 4:20 in the morning (lol 420) i know i dont have the worst life, & i know some people have worse stories than mine. i just wanted to share because ive never told anyone everything thats happened with my dad… ok bye :)
(Taken with GifBoom)